Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
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