Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Randomize
