when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
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