Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
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