My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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