1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
Randomize
