I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
i came on her dog
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Vodka?
Forever.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
There are leaves in my underwear?
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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