I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
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