3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
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