I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
