He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
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