so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
