so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Randomize
