My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
