I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
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