Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Randomize
