Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
