I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
I FOUND THE LEGS
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
