I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize