John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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