Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Randomize
