Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Randomize
