soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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