i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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