Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
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