I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
