Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
