Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize