tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Randomize