I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
two words: eviction party
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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