just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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