Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
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