I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Randomize
