Having a random hookup so left but love u
party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
