I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
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