why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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