so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
Randomize
