my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Randomize
