I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
you never un-have a 4some
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize
