There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
