I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
