last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
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