How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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