white trash or talent: driving, 1 hand on the wheel, 1 holding a cell phone & talking & smoking without using hands..in an old beater pickup..
Both
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
Randomize
