I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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