when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
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