Jake was my 1st thought but I seriously thought u already did him... & then there's the getting the clap story... so I settled on Ben for my guess.
I have done Jake, not Ben. But this was fresh meat. And P.S. it was ghonnerea.
Ahh, yes. It's apparently too early in the morning to keep your partners and their std's straight.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize