we have officially mastered the walk of shame
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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