He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
Damn victory sex feels great
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