Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
