Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
Randomize
