About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
