dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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