You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize