im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
Randomize
