Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
