You don't have asthma, your pregnant
I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Randomize
