The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
