is your mom at the bar?
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
